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Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Subject:ugh
Time:8:26 pm.
Okay so I send an email and nothing... hmmm not feeling the love...

anywho... the same shit is going on

Except i have to set up a baby shower and have one this weekend

Also the state is coming in monday and i'm still no where near being done... moral support needed...

because if things dont go well i may not get my promotion next year....

so lets cross are fingers

oh and did i meantion my co teacher is off tomorrow so its up to me

Weight of the world on my shoulders
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Friday, December 26th, 2008

Subject:Acceptance
Time:11:51 pm.
So i need to post something about acceptance... More just so I can get all these ideas out...

So the other day was christmas eve/ christmas..... It is a time for family for millions of people around the world...

For my family i think it was more about acceptance... They had to accept that I married someone that they may not like.... My mom came over and was very nice to him and i... actually my whole family was ... my aunt, uncle and grandmother were all there and we had a jolly time... I think they realized they can not change the fact that i love him.....

His acceptance factor came today.... he accepted the fact that my family worries about me.... that they may bitch but they have there hearts somewhere around the 'right' place... He may not agree... but we are family.. He also had the realization tonight that his emotions are not free flowing like mine and most of the worlds are... well except for the negative ones.. he feel very vulnerable when he expresses himself to me... like the real feelings he has... the kind that makes a girl go gooey.. so we will work on this....

Now for the hardest acceptance of all .... my own.. not about the fact that i had to try on clothes and accept my body... ( truth be told i got a smaller size clothing)

My real fight was this.... On christmas day... We went down to washington to see the rest of the family.. before we got there tho we went to wash the car so it looked nice before his mom saw it for the first time... While there, their was a homeless man... Now yes i know this is an epidemic in America, and yes I think it is absolutely horrifying... but on Christmas it was ...... i can't even describe it.. So between the two of us we had mostly had hundreds and 50's b/c we were on a trip...
and honestly we needed that money too... so anyway we left.... we went to get gas... he comes out with a big sub for the guy and some water... after that we went back and hunted the guy down... gave the food to him... now i know things seem grim for some of us... but for this guy to refuse the water because it was cold out was indescribable.... before we left the parking lot the guy was all ready eating.. Yes we did something for the guy and probably made his Christmas... but how do I accept that guy is on the streets and I can't do anything

What do I do to accept this reality...

Yes the theme of christmas was acceptance...

but why should i have to accept that... More so .... why should the people that are out there have to accept that its there life?

????

Just a reminder too... It can always be worse....
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Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Subject:You know its true... read me
Time:11:25 pm.
if it doesn't make sense thats fine but i think you will exactly get me










i know you just like you know me...
you are a part of me
just like i am you
we are not one heart or one mind
yet we find ourselves always
intertwinded

wondering... waiting
loving.... longing
for peace of heart and mind....


hold me close
as i hold on to you
breathe sweet relief my way
as I do the same for you

My thoughts drift toward you
just like I know,
yours drift to me
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Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

Subject:hi
Time:3:55 pm.
haven't been really on the computer lately. I've been doing a lot of thinking tho. I wish I could have my whole life as I want it. I get compromising... But damnit I"m bored with the blahness... Yeah we are both working, but money is always a problem... I wish it wasn't but i've just cometo realize that may always be a problem. I need to laugh and dance. You know what i mean. That carefree happiness... Apparently that can be trouble tho. This holiday season is sooooooooo hard... no one can really even imagine it, unless you are going thru it too... emptiness... you miss the parts that made you fun.... okay well i guess thats all for now.... LLHP BTWhappy thanksgiving
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Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

Subject:random thought
Time:9:41 am.
you know those nights that make your toes curl and ur eyes float back... here's a glass raised for that kinda happiness...

:)
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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007

Time:7:40 pm.
well i guess i should say i'm sorry... you know why that whole 10/17 thing. but i guess i should also say I passed my first set of praxis tests..... so go me... i'm not as stupid as a feel some days... I keep hoping one day i'll wake up and feel alive instead of so domesticated... but what can i do.... love is, thats the saying anyway...

anyway i'm off to see the wizard...
maybe i'll ask for courage....
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Saturday, October 13th, 2007

Subject:ramble
Time:8:40 am.
Mood: distressed.
I believe when you are missing something you long for it even more than you normally would if it was any other time of you life. You miss that bond, that friendship, those kind words when you are down in the pits just making it thru the day. Problem is you knew how deeply you were going to miss it from day one. And that is where regret comes in. I think some part of me has completely shut down/ while another part is over compensating for the lack of luster in my life.
When someone asks why you lie, and ur only answer is i didn't want you to get mad, you begin to wonder about a whole knew set of things. Have I always been this way? Is this how I push poeple away, or is it a cop out for the other person and they are the ones that made you lie... seems irrelavant and not taking responsibilty but you wonder...

hmmmm...
*Ponder*

And yes I was finally told, " you need fucking medication, thats why you have it..." Where have i heard this before....
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Monday, August 20th, 2007

Time:8:07 am.
Mood: pensive.
One of the hardest things to do is go from poor to having some money. Because your first instinct is not to pay bills. Its to buy those things you couldn't have a few months back. I understand its a childish reaction. I WANT IT, AND I WANT IT NOW! But i seriously want to go school shopping and get a few new things... Like new shoes and bras. We really need to focus on bills and not what i want. But I keep getting told, we will have the money for it. But the truth is i know we 'have' it ... but does that mean we are going to go with out something else.

and the thing is also... for the first time since last year are we going to have our rent completely paid with out any assistance. so its seriously going pretty well. especially since we don't have it due again till the 11thi guess we will just have to see.

i think i'm very well aware of the precousious situtation we are in. if we move one inch to the left we can't even breath, if we move to the right, well we could end up having nothing again.

my other question, is will this sense of worry ever truely go away?? Will I always be fearful of the next step...
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Sunday, August 19th, 2007

Time:8:03 am.
so i finally figured how to use the MP3 player part of my phone.... therefore i'm excited... although i desperately need some micro sd card. because i can only fit 5 songs on it... so i really had to choose

My choices
Closer to fine
Everytime I hear your name
She's everything
Stand
Stories

So can you figure out who i'm thinking of lol
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Monday, July 30th, 2007

Subject:Off the leash
Time:8:10 am.
So I went out to the bar with friends from work Friday. Of course there was a fight about it... but i went and it was all is good. I had a few drinks and when my boss left she paid for the whole tab... isn't that aweseome? Other than that nothing is all that different except for i feel a little freer then usual...

I'm excited about this week. because i just came to the conclusion I really don't mind my job lol.

Anywho.... I'm off to see a kid ... byebyes
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Monday, July 9th, 2007

Subject:vacation
Time:3:23 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
so due to my car being under the weather I have the week off... yes a wonderful week of doing nothing... And as great as this seems in theory its not. My beautiful lcd monitor will not work on this computer now for some unknown reseason because i have a crt setting i can't get rid of... so thats one of my goals this week.. another is to finish angels and demons... And obviously cleaning will be on the list... although its not that bad right now probably because the messy one is working 12 hour days and he doens't have time to make it a disaster like he did when he wasn't working..

I think I was to scribbling some shit to... I can't say its actual writing because we all know i can't write. But maybe it will help sort out some of my life... becase obviously i'm fucked up lol

there are those days i really wonder why i put up with shit.... this weekend was one of them...

maybe i'm extra cranky from sleeping on the floor... to bad the bed had its death lol...

l8r
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Friday, July 6th, 2007

Subject:FUCKIN A
Time:6:49 pm.
You know sometimes you have these wonderfully splendid days and everything things perfect....? Well my day started that way.... I was all exceited I had perfect hair and I had an evaluation meeting for one of my kids. Not a bad start to a day ... Considering I know i'm doing a good job with this kid... I got lots of praise.. Everyone said how much they love me and they want me to be with this kid forever. They also told me that I am good at my job. And seriously that is what i've needed for a while some validation....

So I left my meeting feeling pretty good. I got a phone call from another parent trying to get shit figured out... so I make the phone calls everything was going good... I mean I was a little on edge but its friday .... I can deal with some stress...Then I drive past a cop and i knew he saw my inspection stickers and I was like OH FUCK... He made a U turn to pull me over... Yes it was something stupid that ruined my perfect day... Now i can't work until i get it fixed because I don't want the chance of getting pulled over with a kid in the car... So lets all say it I"M FUCKED

maybe i'll have better news letter lol
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Monday, July 2nd, 2007

Subject:ummmmm
Time:7:09 pm.
Mood: crappy.
so life isn't going that bad... just wish that things happened a little faster. My life is so overly blah due to the fact of no money. granted some thigns are way more important than money. Friends and family are definitely one of them. Although I feel a little cheated on the friends side lately and the family. Well when they want to sue you, that isn't the best thing either. Therefore I'm admist a rock and a hard place. I really think once i get some money things will be more stable. my boyfriend got a job at Pepsi and he told me i don't need to work... I find that hard to believe when i still have bill collectors calling EVERYDAY ! who knows maybe soo i'll not have to work... but i'm not sure if i want that anyway. is it so hard to just have it all... Good friends, good family, and a good life...

I think i'm overly cranky because my landlord got an emorous electric bill from our apartment. that means he wants us to pay the electric from now on... I'm sorry but seriously i don't get how we used so much...

2 people I miss more than anything. Life brought me to a cross road what was i supposed to do... i always regret my decision... i always will..
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Friday, June 15th, 2007

Time:9:04 am.
maybe i'm just pissed because i had 15 hours this week... But honestly why are business so willing to say what they are going to do for you... But they never say what they aren't going to do for you... Seriously... They won't tell u when it comes to the rough times they aren't going to help your hours out to help level the playing field... Nope seriously they might as well just say... If things work out thats great if not ... wait a few more weeks..

UGH
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Thursday, May 17th, 2007

Subject:yeah its me
Time:7:37 pm.
Mood: blah.
so i don't know what to say... i'm truely sorry.... everything tells me I should stick up for myself.... but i don't... I just had to laugh this weekend when he decided to wrip the door off the headboard because he is such an ass sometimes.... On the other hand he seems to be doing a lot better since his childish outburst..

i just feel so overwhelmed with the world... doesn't seem to matter tho... it still keeps coming at me.

I met a new friend... well an old friend that i haven't talked to in like 15 years on myspace. its so not the same... The emails back and forth our pointless attempts to make me heart not feel its detiorating... like that will happen...

who knows what i should do....


enuff said
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2006

Time:12:55 am.
Ever here a song and it puts u back in a place and a time that you nearly forgot... I heard this Michele Branch song tonight... It reminded me of everything good and bad... It was enjoyable tho... Cuz by the end of the song i was smiling... Its funny sometimes you just relize how far you have come...

I am so happy right now with my honey... He is the world to me... I hope one day soon i'll have a pretty little ring on my finger... Some days i just smile beyond belief with him.. And its one of those days... I don't know if its the fact that the dry spell is over or not... But everything seems sweeter and much more alive.. Maybe i'm just manic... Who knows...

Oh well it is 1 am maybe its time to think about going to sleep...

:)
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Friday, August 4th, 2006

Subject:ummmm life is a crack pipe
Time:9:59 am.
Mood: aggravated.
This is just another rant... Therefore it might make sense it might not. We've been in hard times since he quit his one job. Now this is the breaking point. My mom has asked me to move back in so I can get my bills caught up to date. I don't necessarly thing thats the best thing. BEcause one is because i love him.. and 2 i don't want to go back home. He's afraid we won't have money to pay the rent this month... which really sucks. I've just about had it.. little does he know his mom told me last night this must be really hard on me because i'm working and he's not constantly. i don't really think of it that way... If i could work and him not then i'd be okay with that as long as i came home and everything was cleaned and food was done. So the question is right now how do i get caught up? With his license gone for the time being and no money to get him to the doctors for a second opinion my world is coming down. I can't talk to him anymore because he's just not himself... He's so depressed... and i feel like the noose around his neck sometimes.... sucking the life out of him because i bitch... i don't know i just can't imagine one day or night with out him.... this is our home... i can't lose that... because i'd be afraid of losing not only our house but each other if we lived seperate lives after living together for 9 months now...

maybe more later... too blah
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Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

Subject:Unusual rant
Time:8:32 am.
Mood: annoyed.
Even when you aren't alone you sometimes feel you are why is that? you can live together, breathe together, eat together, but if death comes you really are all alone in it... Which makes me people thousands of years ago thought up this thing called God. Therefore into the next step we wouldn't be alone... I guess that was kinda smart of them ...

I just can't seem to get my thoughts straight... I feel like i'm headed for another mental break down. Things aren't just going as I planned.. Tough times seem to stick with me... I mean when it comes down to it, I have this awesome guy. Unfortunately the world is out to fuck us anyway they can... Therefore my optimism right now is more looking toward pessimism... I guess one day everything will calm down and I'll be able to actually get my bills caught up... That will be one of the best days of my life seriously because i'm so sick of being completely broke... The problem is tho that certain things are not in my control.... Some things are just fated to happen... or another words just screw the fuck out of us... I get very disturbed when i realize people are screwing the system so bad and yet they never get fucked ... and if they do ... they do it themselves. Therefore they have nothing to complain about and yet they think the world is out to completely get them... How is this fair... When I in turn, really think the world is fucking out to get us... No one could have planned this, no one could have saw this.... Its just life.... Putting that all in prospective i guess death may be easier than life... because once you are dead what really can happen? You can't get fucked over by the world... Then again you can get any joy.....

rock LIFE hardplace.. yep thats life
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Sunday, May 15th, 2005

Time:10:58 pm.
Mood: flirty.
sometimes there are moments in life where you feel that things have lead up to that moment and things have become complete.... and you become not just who you were before but what you were supposed to be all along. and you become a whole being. Not because you were all the incomplete before but because you don't feel like you are longing for that part of your heart that was missing.

I haven't wrote in here in such a long time because my heart was found. This amazing girl swept me off my feet... The weirdest thing happen... i walked into a chat room and started talking to this girl and bam a few weeks later we met and that night i was kissing this sweet fantastic girl... who i couldn't believe liked me for me.

so for the last 2 months i've been livin it up with this unbelievely beautiful girl who stuns me around every corner. only thing is now we are going to be making it thru the summer in different states... but we love each other and can't wait to be back all happy and gay together

yah for happiness
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

Time:6:21 am.
Mood: lethargic.
I haven't updated much lately for the sheer fact that my head has all been in the same couple places... kinda in the i have all these things in my past that are kinda being felt full force at the moment and they are coming out right now... and its really 'unhealthy' as everyone seems to be telling me.. I don't deal well and i'm trying to deal, the problem is if i don't get this shit off my chest will i ever deal... and i know he hasn't talked to me in a lil over a year but fuck, i don't know what to do....

i had another dream last night... same senerio as always.....

but the weirdest thing yesterday was this song came on my computer from NOWHERE i mean NO WHERE .... never saw it in my freaking entire life until last night when i was bawling over these dreams and how nothing is making sense right now....

well here are the lyrics

Tell me you had bad dreams last night
cause you were rolling in your sleep
Tell me you hate those bright street lights
sometimes the shadows give you the creeps

CHORUS
Please.. close your eyes
Please.. if you don't want to say
Please.. close your eyes
Please.. what keeps you awake

Tell me the air up here's too thin
You can't feel the wind when it moves
Tell me the stars are made of tin
and that they're banging on the roof

CHORUS

The sun will rise and keep your mind at ease
So close your eyes..


anyway the song is just making me a lil freaked... kinda wondering if its like an act of god or something... i guess... if you heard the song.... you'd understand why it freaks me... anyway off to work....

laters
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